Zen Buddhism blew this false sense of spiritual security out of the sky by showing me that since there was no one dying, there was no place to go. But, in that case, how can I be here now? Foolishly, I canceled my life insurance and now can't get reinstated. But at least that perspective enabled me to stop worrying about the whole damn thing and get on with my life for a few years ‹ until I discovered Shamanism. Then I found out that a giant invisible eagle is stalking my energy and is just waiting for me to die so it can consume me.

Is this true? If so, it makes me feel sick! I am not prepared to have the entire meaning of my life reduced to bird feed. Please help. What's the real scoop? I feel like I'm running out of time and need to start preparing for the inevitable ‹ whatever that may be.

With Regards,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,
As it turns out, each phase of your journey has given you a small piece of the larger truth. Now, let's put the whole picture together so you can relax a little bit and enjoy the few meager years you have left.

Of course the eagle is stalking you and will eventually eat you. That's why the Christians were able to promise you wings. What did you think they were going to do? Stick them on your shoulders with super-glue? What goes in one end of the eagle comes out the other. It just sounds better to call it reincarnation, like we call garbage men "Sanitation

Engineers." As you pass through the eagle's digestive tract, you will have many unusual experiences, which the Tibetans call bardo states. This also explains the familiar imagery encountered by those having near-death experiences of a brilliant light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

As for your brief flirtation with Zen, let me say that since there is no mirror, where could the dust possibly settle? Wait a minuteŠSorry, that's the answer to another question. Let me try that again.

My spirit guide, Raoul, suggests you meditate each day on the koan: What is the sound of one bird crapping? This will not only enable you to overcome your repugnance about being eaten, but it will also demonstrate to you what an enormous waste of time and energy you have already expended on these pointless questions.

As for your life insurance, you were wise to cancel your policy. What is the point of trafficking with corporate agencies which can only offer your surviving relatives "what moth and rust doth consume." For only $39.95 per month, the Claire Voyent Foundation can provide you with spiritual life insurance that is good for eternity ‹ as long as you keep up the payments. Remember, when you buy my policy, it doesn't matter whose story is right because you're already covered for everything, including acts of God.

Yours in the Light,
Claire